When Setting a Boundary With a Family Member Goes Horribly Wrong

Setting a boundary with a family member is supposed to feel empowering, right? You’ve read the books, listened to the podcasts, worked on your self-worth, and maybe even role-played in therapy or the shower (no judgment here). You finally found the courage to say: “No more. This doesn’t feel good for me. I deserve better.”

But what happens when it all goes horribly wrong?

I know this one intimately — because it happened to me.

When you’re someone who has spent years (maybe decades) learning to value yourself, untangling from low self-worth, and trying to repair your self-esteem, you expect that when you finally voice your needs, the people who love you will at least try to understand.

But sometimes… they don’t.

Sometimes, they weaponise their own pain or even their religion, spirituality, or authority to manipulate you back into silence. Sometimes, they deflect, blame, and twist your words. You’re left feeling like you’re the problem — as if your very act of self-respect was an attack on them.

And if you’ve ever been in that position, I want you to know: you are not wrong for setting a boundary.

You are not wrong for advocating for yourself. You are not wrong for honouring your nervous system and your healing.

The Old Patterns: Why This Hurts So Deeply

For so many of us, especially women our earliest experiences of love were conditional. We learned early that being “good” meant pleasing others, being quiet, and abandoning ourselves to keep the peace.

So when you finally start doing the inner work — through counselling, somatic healing, EMDR or deep reflection and you begin building real self-confidence and self-worth, it can feel like you’re rewriting history.

But here’s the catch: your nervous system still remembers.

Even if you know you deserve to set a boundary, your body can still shake, your heart can pound, your stomach can drop, you can second-guess yourself. This is your nervous system saying: “This feels unsafe because it wasn’t safe before.”

That’s why it hurts so much when the boundary is met with hostility. Because deep down, you’re not just defending yourself in the present. You’re healing all the times in the past when you couldn’t.

When Family Members Weaponise Guilt

When I set a boundary with my family recently, I thought it was clear and kind. I was measured and articulate. But instead of respect, I was met with emotional manipulation cloaked in spirituality — bible scriptures and “love” used to shame me for speaking up.

It very quickly turned to me and why I was so wrong. The "what about you" line was promptly fired back.

They enlisted others to isolate me, using what-about-ism and misdirection to deflect responsibility and paint me as the villain.

If you’ve experienced this, you know how it can completely unravel your self-esteem if you’re not rooted deeply in your healing. You question yourself: Maybe I am selfish? Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything? Maybe I am a bad daughter/sister/person? Maybe I should have just said nothing and ignored it...

Let me say this: you are not bad for having needs. You are not selfish for having limits. And love that requires you to abandon yourself is not love.

The Role of Healing Your Nervous System

One of the most transformative pieces of my own healing journey was understanding how my nervous system was involved in these moments.

Through somatic healing and counselling, I learned that every time my boundary was met with conflict, my body interpreted it as a threat — because growing up, speaking up often led to rejection or punishment.

So even though my logical mind knew I was doing the right thing, my nervous system was stuck in an old pattern of fear and shutdown.

This is why healing isn’t just about positive affirmations or self-help books. It’s about working with your body to feel safe in your self-worth. It’s about creating new experiences where your body learns: “It’s safe to say no. It’s safe to have needs. I am safe being me.”

How to Rebuild After a Boundary Goes Wrong

If you’re walking through this right now — if you feel shaky, second-guessing yourself, and gutted by the reaction you received — here are a few steps that helped me, and might help you too:

• Pause and regulate. Before you respond, give your nervous system time to settle. This could look like placing your hand over your heart and belly, breathing deeply, or going for a walk.

  
  

• Validate yourself. You are allowed to have boundaries. Repeat this as many times as you need: I am not wrong for protecting my peace.

  
  

• Seek support. Whether it’s a trusted friend, counsellor, or support group, talk to someone who can remind you of your truth when you forget.

  
  

• Do something nurturing for yourself. When family members reject our boundaries, it can trigger feelings of unworthiness. Actively choose to care for yourself; breathwork, journaling, gentle movement - as a way to remind yourself you matter.

  
  

• Remember: their reaction is not your responsibility. People who benefit from your lack of boundaries will almost always push back when you finally set one. That doesn’t mean you did it wrong.

  
  

Final Thoughts

If you’ve been made to feel small for setting a boundary, I want you to know that feeling doesn’t mean you’re failing.

It means you’re growing.

You’re stepping out of the old identity of low self-worth and into a new version of yourself — one who values herself, even if others don’t yet know how to.

Boundaries are an act of self-love. They are how we teach the world how to treat us, but more importantly, they are how we treat ourselves.

Your nervous system might still tremble. You might still feel guilt. That doesn’t mean you’ve done it wrong — it means you’re human. And you’re healing.

So keep going.

You are worthy of love, respect, and peace. You always have been.

If you’d like more support in navigating boundaries, healing low self-worth, and learning how to work with your nervous system to feel truly safe in your confidence, I’d love to connect with you. This is the kind of deep work I help women with every day — blending counselling, somatic healing, and gentle guidance to help you rebuild your self-esteem from the inside out.

You can reach out here or follow me on Instagram @the_womanwhorises for more tools, stories, and encouragement.

You deserve to feel at home in yourself — no matter what.