The Power of "No": How Saying Yes to Everything is Ruining Your Life

*Warning, this piece contains distressing themes & events.

It may sound overly dramatic, but this is something that needs to be talked about as women.

As a transformative healer, every day I see strong, capable women who come to me burned out and on the verge of collapse - this is not an exaggeration. It is estimated that 80% of autoimmune diseases are made up of women. And while there are multiple factors that make up these diagnoses, there is an underlying pattern I see in my practice - no matter the age, race or history.

As little girls growing up, we are taught to always be nice and polite to everyone - to respect adults, to be seen and not heard, to sit quietly and not "bother" anyone - to not be "too loud" or "too boisterous", don't ask for anything because it will put someone out and very quickly we learn that we are the surrogate emotional caretakers for everyone around us which depends on us being passive and forgoing to everyone else's needs.

That if something goes wrong, it must be our fault. we weren't good enough, nice enough, cooperative enough. This is especially true if you experienced trauma and abuse as a child. Your self-worth becomes tied to how nice and cooperative you are and so the pattern begins to wire into our psyche and deep into our subconscious that the "good girl" identity is what makes us likeable. This pattern is also passed onto us epigenetically through our lineage as well.

Being "nice" has been convoluted with "being good". If we say no to anyone for any reason you are not nice. If you are not nice, you are undeserving. Undeserving of time, love, affection, promotion, success, the list goes on.

This is a gross manipulation in the most coersive manner to which has been the detriment to women throughout history. Just recently, I read a truly horrifying strory about the evil murders of two young girls in the USA, just 14 and 13 years old walking along a bridge one afternoon where they were followed by a man, only to be killed moments later. The reason this is known is because one of the girls filmed herself and her friend with the accused behind them, just moments before, the video shows the accused directing them where to walk (he had a gun)- the girls can be heard being polite, respectful and obeying his commands, despite knowing in that moment they were in danger. I cannot begin to imagine the horror these poor babies where going through in this moment and none of us truly know in the most horrifying of moments how we will react to a situation. But knowing how these young girls were in their final moments made me rage for their young lives senselessy lost. Even in the moment of our last breaths we are taught to be nice and cooperate no matter what.

Now, that is an extreme example, but it was the inspiration for this post. And of course there are times in our lives when we have to do things we dont really want or feel like doing, however, saying yes to everyone and everything that is not in alignment with your time, energy capacity and values is costing you dearly. There's a saying, that we teach people how to treat us and often this is true. If we are always saying yes and giving pieces of ourselves when we really want to say no and are stretched to capacity, we are ultimately hurting us more than anyone's feelings could be hurt. Saying no isn't about a power dynamic or battle of wills. Its a healthy way of moving through life as a functioning adult.

Having firm boundaries is a neccessity, because martyering ourselves as the one who "takes everything on" has no prizes at the end. It will leave you feeling bitterness, rage and hollow.

Our lives are short and if we are to be successful, emotionally content and mentally and physically healthy we need to practice boundaries as a radical act of self love.

You are not everyone's emotional care-taker. You are not responsible for how someone reacts, that is on them. You don't owe everyone a piece of you. This is especially true when it comes to work and business. If you own your own business and are in the healing space, you will feel the burden of feeling like you have to say yes - yes to lowering your prices, yes, to changing your schedule or working outside of your normal hours just to be "nice".

Your niceness has nothing to do with what you can do for someone and if your surrounded by people that are always wanting from you and you feel constantly drained, that is the clue to start practising saying no. No without explanation or justification depending on the circumstance.

If you've spent years saying yes, this will take practice, so start small. Saying no, to what isn't aligned in your life is part of the journey to healing and becoming whole.

My appointment book is open for consultations and healing sessions, feel free to book a free 15 min call or email me to see how we can work together :)